A confession (reposted at permission from cobblestone. Just so people know why I’m gone o algo)

Oh WoW wHAts ThIs CrOSSchAlk Is fInAlLy TalKiNG???..???.. yes noob, I am, and I am here to say that I am B_B_GHAST (literal who o algo?). And this is my official goodbye. Now I’m not going to kill myself sadly. Even though I desperately wish I could. The only thing holding be back is the fact I will disappoint and disobey God once again ontop of my mountain of sins. And because I would for sure got to hell if I do so. Now admittedly I believe I deserve to go to hell for everything I have done. But at the same time I wish to see my lord my God in heaven. Anyways as to why I’m finally saying goodbye? Well it’s because I don’t have it in me anymore. Not just for the soysphere but for everything else. It’s about time things end and I spend the rest of my life rotting away alone in my room like how I deserve waiting to rightfully die. I should have done this a long long time ago. I feel no more joy from this at all. Or anything for that matter. As to why I still made this account? I honestly don’t know fully. A part of me whanted to see how long I can go dropping hints and waiting until someone finally realized. But I didn’t have it in me to be actually active. But I also I think I was trying to find something once more. The joy and entertainment I first had when being here. Something akin to what I felt on my 2023 days on shitter surrounded by “friends” who don’t know me spending nights dummyedly trolling noobs. As sad as it is I enjoyed those days I got genuine joy and entertainment from it. But not anymore. No matter how hard I try. Now let’s be honest unlike shitter no one likes me here. But it was still so fun. So much fond memories. It’s pathetic as I should have been living in the real world. But then again and as sad as it is, I have nothing irl. And nothing give me joy irl (besides my two only irl friends ig). So this is all I had to do. But as my life gets worse and worse and my brain fries more and more and as my feelings and joy from things lessen I realize. My life has only been going down hill. And those fond memories and my joy where not made in good times in my life. I only love them because relatively those times where monumentally better than how things are now. I only have nostalgia for my past because comparatively things currently are way worse. And it has ALWAYS been like this. Even when I was a child. And now I stand here only regretting and self loathing. Parts of me wish I never did any of this. But other parts love this bc of the slight bits of joy I had and the memories of my failures and what is wrong with me. I enjoy this bc I’m a self loathing noob who deserves to die. But also because it makes me feel like I can change by improving on myself from learning from my mistakes. Like the more I suffer the more and more I will become better in general. Cooler, More mature, Healthier, smarter, less cringe, less weird, less annoying. But no matter how hard I suffer and now matter how I appear to improve on my surface, deep down I’m still that insufferable little shit I hate with all my heart who deserves everything coming to me. That true me that is everything I hate and more. And many people will agree with me. That I’m still insufferable annoying and weird. And that’s why no one likes me online and irl. I’m just flat out disgusting. Anyways, And then I think about how I will never change. And that scares me. But all of this is lumped into the magnitude of pain and numbness. And I have given up completely on everything. Again, I don’t have it in me anymore for anything. I have no more hope in myself. These thoughts are just echos as I further wallow into my own self loathing. It Echos only because there are so many other thoughts and feelings echoing for the same reason all at the same time constantly. A bit of a snca reflection or something idk what to call it but, Soytan is kinda lumped into this “regret I’ve done it but also don’t bc it made me suffer in the hopes of changing bc of it”. It’s funny to think about it. Soytan is what started all this soysphere stuff. Sure I will end up in the same boat as I am in now if I never knew about soytan but it’s still funny to think about it. Seeing her on twitter being reminded of my ex, projecting my preferences of woman onto her, finding out about and joining the soysphere, obsessing over her, getting doxxed because I’m dummyed, meeting my latest ex (who only dated me bc she felt bad for me, she had no real feelings for me), ending the obsession because of her, and even resulting in my ban because after all, can’t be banned if I never knew about the soysphere right? And I would have never found the soysphere if it wasn’t for ‘tan. It’s funny how everything any of the people on here (who still even remembers me) knows about me is all because of Soytan. And all this lead to so much pain. And I don’t know if I would be in the same boat I am in now if it wasn’t for Soytan. And in a way I appreciate that suffering a lot. Kinda funny how soytans like a almost biblical curse lol. But I wouldn’t have it any other way, as long as I have suffered greatly from it. Anyways, But like let’s be honest here, no one remembers me anymore. I’m irrelevant, the moment I’m gone I disappear. And it will be that when I die. No one will remember me. And they shouldn’t. I don’t deserve it. But yea I guess that’s why I came back again and again. Because of my memories I had here and looking to have that feeling again, because I didn’t want to be forgotten even though I deserve it, because I truly have nothing left to do. You might be saying “muh get a job” and I say no to that. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve to earn money, to get a life, none of that. I deserve to eventually become homeless and then lay around and die in two days because i refuse to walk a mile to drink water as im too busy waiting to die and busy wallowing on how i deserve it and how i hate myself. Either that or die in a month from starvation if i lay around some guys outdoor faucet. Or if i don’t become homeless i will just lay in my room until i eventually die from a heart attack because i don’t exorcise and because when im not starving myself, what i do eat is processed premade goyslop garbage because i dont even have the self respect to make actual food when i am clearly capable of it. This is my fate and i deserve it. No happy ending, no bang, no fight, giving up completely as I just rotting alone slowly dying insisting on my own mystery like a cacaot. This fate I deserve but I deserve worse. But I except it. I want it. I feel so empty and directionless with no hope or will for anything left. I feel like something drifting in the sea waiting for something to inevitably destroy me. I don’t know what I want anymore besides pain and suffering and rot. There’s nothing I desire anymore at all. I have no joy from anything I do. My only joy I have is from my two irl friends and even then I am a awful friend even though they insist I am not. All we have is eachother they don’t have any other friends either. Nor would I ever want other friends. But deep down I know and the memories of what I’ve done in the past show that I am not a good friend at all. And that they will forget me too when I go away. Just like again, how everyone else will and should as I deserve it. There are many many horrible things I have done too. Also There’s someone in particular I have irreversibly hurt greatly. But as much as I want justice for them I can’t bring myself to even talk about it. I feel horrible I really do and on top of that I can’t stop thinking if I truly do feel bad for what I’ve done.. this thought scares me greatly. What if this feeling is a lie? I feel this way because of the fact I am scared of what would happen If anyone knew. It’s so strange I want to die I want everything I deserve to happen to me but this one greatest sin can’t bring myself to confess. I feel so horrible about what I did. That scared feeling only makes everything even more horrible. I feel so selfish that I can’t bring myself to confess no matter how badly I want their vengeance. It’s horrible. I’m horrible. And I regret every single day for what I’ve done to them. I have no excuses. Anyways as to why I’m venting about all this garbage? Why I’m talking like anyone cared? I don’t fully know either. I just realized as I’m typing this that there are a lot of actions I do that I don’t know why I do them. I always think about how I don’t know myself, about how I don’t know what I would truly do when given the opportunity even though I think I wouldn’t ever do it. but now that thought is really hitting on my actions. Anyways umm.. I guess it’s some sort of swan song? Maybe for attention but.. I don’t want to stay here or talk to anyone I genuinely want to be alone forever and not talk to anyone again.. because I think maybe you all should know? But why should anyone know? Maybe to see what people think? To see your reactions? I don’t think this is a cry for help either because i genuinely don’t want help or compassion or empathy. I don’t think so at least. Is it because i just want to say goodbye before i leave? I don’t think i even deserve to say goodbye. This is all so confusing I don’t know why I made this post. I don’t know why I said ANY of this. I dont know why I’m talking about my gay noob cacaot feelings. I dont know anything noob. Maybe I’m saying this just for the sake of venting. But venting implies the strive to get things off you shoulder. Which I don’t wish for. I wish for this weight to drown me. I guess in the end, I’m saying all of this because I don’t know why I am. Anyways this is actually goodbye, I won’t be doing anything online anymore (good riddance) you won’t accidentally see me on ‘tok or ‘gram or shitter. You already know what I’m going to be doing (for the troglodytes who think I’m going to kill myself reread the beginning). (Ps I’m only reposting this bc this goodbye gives me a strange sense of closure)[/